Reflecting on 2019, and Sharing my 2020 Intention

Reflecting on 2019, and Sharing my 2020 Intention

I have a really great feeling about 2020. Last year was a year full of changes and uncertainty and pushing past fear and being brave. This year I want to use everything I’ve learned to really come into my own. I have so many creative ideas and new projects I’m excited to start working on this year, and I really feel like 2020 will be my year to shine!

My intention for 2019 was courage, and I definitely feel like I carried this word with me throughout the year. 2019 started out with a couple months of unemployment, where I dove into figuring out what I wanted my next job to be, and having the courage to think outside the box. When I landed on working as an assistant preschool teacher, this was one of the more spontaneous and unexpected decisions I’ve made in my life. Making this career change took a lot of courage, and forced me to move past fear and shame around changing careers, taking a large pay cut, and trying not to worry about other people’s opinions.

2019 also forced me to be courageous with my personal life, jumping back into dating after a long time of consciously choosing to be single. I got into a relationship again for the first time since 2017, and had to push past a lot of insecurity and doubt and worry around opening up to someone again. Allowing myself to be vulnerable with a new partner was not easy for me, and although that relationship ended right at the close of 2019, I’m happy it happened and proud of myself for not letting fear stop me from putting myself out there. That relationship taught me a lot about myself and personal growth I still need to do, as well as what I’m looking for and not looking for in a partner, and what I’d like to find in the future. It also taught me that pushing past the fear of being hurt is worth it, even when the relationship ultimately does not work out.

Looking at the year ahead of me, I’m feeling extremely optimistic about many areas in my life. The word I’ve chosen for my intention for this year is Confidence. I want this year to be my year of being confident in everything I pursue and everything I do in my life. I have so many things I want to accomplish this year, and the main thing stopping me is a lack of confidence and a fear of failure. I’ve been working really hard at improving my self-esteem and self-love, and I think remembering to act with confidence in every aspect of my life, will really help me to be happier.

Confidence has never come naturally to me, but I do have a history of pushing myself to work on being more confident. When I was younger this started with my passion for acting, when I started getting the lead in my school plays in middle school, later diving into the world of musical theater and choir in high school. I was terrified every time I stepped on stage, but taking my bow at the end of the shows gave me a certain confidence I hadn’t had before. This year I want to carry that idea with me into some personal creative projects I’m working on (I hate to be that person who says they have exciting projects coming that they can’t share yet, but…stay tuned).

I’m looking forward to continuing 2020 with confidence, and I have a feeling this is going to be a great year for me! What is your intention or resolution for this year? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

What does it really mean to be vulnerable?

What does it really mean to be vulnerable?

Vulnerability is a word you probably hear thrown around a lot, but do you really know what it means? I recently watched Brene Brown‘s Netflix Special, “The Call To Courage”, and it opened my eyes to a new perspective on what it means to be vulnerable. Real vulnerability is achieved when we feel scared but push through the fear and do it anyway. When we feel ashamed about our past, but we choose to talk about it instead of hiding it. When we say “I love you” without knowing for sure if the other person feels the same way.

One of the defining characteristics of vulnerability is the presence of some kind of risk. According to Brene, “Vulnerability is the feeling you get when there’s uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure.” If you don’t feel a little bit uncomfortable or scared in your life, you may not be letting yourself be vulnerable often enough, and this can actually have a negative effect on your ability to connect with others and have a fulfilling life!

One of the main misconceptions about vulnerability is that it is a sign of weakness. However, it’s actually the opposite. As Brene says, “Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage.” It takes a lot of courage to be truly vulnerable, because it usually means making a decision that could lead to failure. Asking for a raise, starting your own business, telling someone you have feelings for them. You don’t really know if you will succeed in any of these moments, and in fact, you are likely to fail. But if you never try, that’s the real failure!

In Brene Brown’s TEDTalk on vulnerability, she says the word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means heart. The original definition of “courage” is: “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” I absolutely LOVE that definition! I’d never thought of courage that way before, but it makes total sense. It takes great courage to be authentically you, to let people in to what you’re really thinking and who you really are. To tell your story. That’s vulnerability!

One of the main things that hinders vulnerable is shame. Shame is a feeling we all experience, and the only people who don’t have “no capacity for human empathy or connection” according to Brene. We’re scared to be vulnerable, because we’re ashamed of ourselves, ashamed of our past, of our feelings, of our desires. We’re afraid of being judged, of coming across as weak, of not being liked. But in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to really be seen. We have to harness that courage, push past the fear and shame, and let our voice be heard.

As I wrote about in this post, it’s always been difficult for me to open up to people. This blog has helped me with that immensely, and has been a great source of comfort for me when I need to get things off my chest. Finding my voice and being vulnerable isn’t easy, and I still struggle with wanting to bottle everything up and be the person I think people want me to be. Watching Brene’s special and reading more about her thoughts on vulnerability has been a huge eye-opener for me, and I feel ready to fully embrace my vulnerability moving forward! I know it won’t be easy, but nothing that’s worth it in life ever is.

What does vulnerability mean to you? When was the last time you felt truly vulnerable? I’d love to hear about it in the comments!

My 2019 Intention

My 2019 Intention

I know, I know, I’m a little late on the New Year post, as we’re already a month into 2019. But I figured better late than never! Today I wanted to share my intention for the year. I like the word intention better than resolution, because for me it feels more tied to an overall message I want to carry with me for the year, versus specific goals that may or may not be achieved.

I recently heard the idea of choosing one word that you want to represent your intention, and I’ve decided my word for 2019 is Courage. I want this to be the year I move past fear to really get the things I want, from my job, to my hobbies, to relationships. I’ve always been a pretty timid and fearful person, even from a young age (just ask my parents) so I want to work on getting out of my comfort zone more this year, and not letting fear get in the way of my happiness.

Over the past month, I’ve already had some great moments of courage. For me it’s about doing small things that scare me on a regular basis. One of those things was opening up about losing my job, which I’ve done in a blog post, on social media, and individually with people in my life. One of my proudest moments so far was sending an email to some of my old coworkers to let them know why I left. This felt big for me because I was scared about being judged, but I pushed past that and did it anyway.

I’ve received great responses from people in regard to these moments of courage. One of my old coworkers told me he hopes he’d be brave enough to send an email like the one I sent. I’ve had friends tell me they are going through something similar at work and it felt good to know they aren’t alone. These positive responses have helped me feel like I’m on the right track with this intention of courage, and I can’t wait to see where it takes me this year!

What is your word or intention for this year? How is it going so far? Comment and let me know!

Finding my voice: a journey to vulnerability

Finding my voice: a journey to vulnerability

I’ve always been a private person, which I know may surprise some people considering I have a blog, and have talked about fairly personal things on here in the past. But generally speaking, I have a tough time talking to people about the difficult things that I’ve been through or am currently going through. I also have a hard time sharing the exciting and wonderful things that are happening to me. I just tend to keep a lot to myself and process things internally.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to try extra hard to convince myself to share things with people. My earliest memory of this is when I was in second grade, and finally, (after months of her prodding me), admitted to my mom which boy in my class I had a crush on. I can still remember that feeling, of almost sheer panic, as I said his name aloud, as if I was giving away something I could never get back.

Fast forward to my college years, where this pattern continued. I joined a choir my freshman year, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it took me an entire semester to tell any of my friends I was in choir and invite them to one of my shows. About a year later, one of my best friends said to me, “You never tell us anything! I feel like I don’t always know what’s going on with you.” She didn’t say it in a rude or accusatory way, her tone was more of disappointment at the things she was missing out on knowing about me. This has stuck with me all this time, and it’s been a constant reminder for me to try to be better at letting people in.

“It’s very hard to put yourself out there, it’s very hard to be vulnerable, but those people who do that are the dreamers, the thinkers and the creators. They are the magic people of the world.” ― Amy Poehler, Yes Please

Much like my personal life, I think I could stand to open up more with my blog as well. I feel as though you, as my reader, are like college friend, who just wants to truly know me. I want to start letting you in more, to show you the truth of my life, in the hopes that you may be able to relate or at least learn something. I have so many ideas for topics I want to write about, from mental health to relationships, but there’s always a voice in my head telling me “you can’t talk about that. You can’t share that on the Internet!” 

Consider this post my official proclamation that I am going to start ignoring that voice, and start listening to the other voice that’s telling me “Go for it! You have something worth sharing, and people who want to listen.” In the coming weeks and months, expect to learn a lot more about me and the things I believe in. Project Let People In begins….now!

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ― Brené Brown

Do you have a difficult or easy time being vulnerable with people in your life? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!